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Monday, July 17th, 2006
2:59 am - Late night
One wish...

Imagine if you had just one wish... do you know how you'd use it?

Man, well my life is kind of like... as hard as it can get. I have never felt so beaten and so pushed into the dirt ever before in my life then I do right now. I guess because it's as though no matter how hard I try I get knocked back down. I'm deep in a hole and every time I get close to scratching my way out... I get pushed back down and burried. Stinks... =(

I work over at the Best Buy in Cambridge = okay, kind of nice but I think I'm extremely overworked (self inflicted).. *jen = poor* yes, that hasn't changed.

My car = biggest mistake ever.... yes, that hasn't changed either.

School = headache.

... Everything is pretty much the same, get the picture? That's why I don't update!! lol Makes me depressed... *sigh*

Oh, Jayz is in Arizona... that sucks... it feels like a part of me is missing and I'm incomplete... =(

Ugh.. and this is why I hate thinking.

Till much later.


current mood: lonely
4 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
10:50 pm - It's crazy...
Yeah, I haven't written anything in quite some time - due to the fact that 1:I'm "busy". 2:I'm "lazy". 3: I'm so confused with my life that I rather just ignore it and not think about it then actually sit and write about it...

*SO* much has changed - yet... so very little has changed at all. I think I've changed - not drastically yet but the time is coming. I feel like a catapiller that's about to dissapear and magically return and blossom as a butterfly.. I feel like I need that... and BAM!!! Jen will be goooooooood. As far as my life is concerned let me break it down...

School - online - blows. I mean it's a good idea in theory but dude, I'm trapped in a math class that I honestly feel is going to be the absolute death of me and I really don't know what to do about it ... I mean I feel as if I'm at the point where I should pay someone to take the rest of the class for me just so I can advance and finish up the classes for my major and just get the hell out of there with my major and be done with this educational process thing! Eeeeehckkk...

Ha! And as far as work is concerned... um "technically" still at Best Buy but honestly I think I've reached my limit... I don't think I can take anymore... I just want to break free and go and pursue... well... my life!!! I don't think that I've done that... at all... and it's been agravating me a lot lately...So I'm pretty sure I'm completely done with Best Buy and I'm going to branch out and do something new... something that will hopefully actually take me somewhere in life because lately I've been at an absolute stand still... I guess the problem is when people ask me ... so what are you working towards... lol I really don't know!! ... iicky.. =/ hehe... but only time will tell.. but shoot, the clocks ticking so I better catch up!!

In order to survive ... I did get a second job - yeeeeahhh mang... ya looking at a new server for Unos Bar and Grilll.. Cheeeeaaaaa!!! ;) So I'm about to get certified in bartending... which is tight... because that will always be a very nice "when in need of money back up job"... but yeah that's clearly the back up job not the 'on a path of success for the rest of my life' plan... damnit I need to hurry up and marry rich...lol sike...

I just want to run away... oiy... Jen needs a vacation. :) I have about 80 hours saved up of Best Buy vacation time so yeah most def... I'm going to be taking some much needed time off :) woohoooooo.. and then back to the grind... but I am looking forward to a little r&r ... =)

As far as my personal life.. lol welllllll...let's not even go there cos uhm.. yeah... lol no se!!!

But that's all for now.... just a little "hi... I'm still alive"



current mood: confused
Tell Me Your Secrets
Saturday, February 4th, 2006
5:09 pm - Sometimes...
Sometimes you don't realize what you have... until you're faced with losing it.

current mood: determined
4 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
2:55 am


... haha.. that's meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Um, I'm really bored right now, and sadly wide awake... see. For a few months I was a "normal" person. Getting up in the morning and going to bed semi early. It was a system... I hated it... because I hate feeling like I should be in a coma by uh, 10pm... and I'm still wide awake at 3pm now and I'm still like "dang..." I guess there's no pleasing me.

I feel good... I feel bad but I feel good. It's a weird emotion. I guess the reluctantly at peace kind...

haha... Buuuuuuut uh, I'm good. My life is in order (mostly)... Math is kicking my butt in school (sucks to be me) but it'll be over soon.. and yeah, that's about it.



current mood: okay
10 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Monday, December 26th, 2005
5:09 pm - Can you hear me now? .... Good!!
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan - life is interesting.

+ Christmas came and went. It was alright, to be quite honest - it was like any other day. Nothing too special. Visited some relatives I'm not fond of on Saturday then went over to my parents house for part of Sunday.

- Work is BUSY!! It's like really people, spend time with your families!!

- My moms dog *Elvis* died this morning =( Sad... he was a good dog...

+ Things are alright in my life for the moment, it's just amazing to me how many ups and downs I am faced with like some constant roller coaster. I don't know how many times I will have to tell myself "just calm down, just relax, just ... let go and still I hold on... i still let things bother me... I just try and act like they don't. =D I've started to enroll in self therapy, everytime I get stressed I climb into bed and pull the covers over my head... "la la la!!"

+ I want to go on vacation....somewhere far away and tropical and just breathe for awhile and enjoy my life and then I guess come back to my reality ... my reality isn't bad, it's just boring!

... I need to shake things up a bit.


current mood: blank
Tell Me Your Secrets
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
9:00 pm - If I were you, I'd be jealous of me.
I honestly haven't felt this happy in such a long time. I feel so complete on so many levels and it's such a relaxing feeling to just be at peace with ... everything. Healthwise things aren't "great" ... in a bit of pain ... and yeah as usual work blows... but everything else... it's like damn... I feel nice. =)

+I finished my first batch of courses today and I feel proud of myself. I did it. I got all the assignments done and completed the semester with A's and B's... MUCH better than I was doing at Umass, so it puts a huge smile on my face. I look forward to the next set of classes, it's good - it keeps me busy and my mind active.

+I've been trying to sit down and write more music lately. I slipped into a none creative zone for awhile where I just didn't write much of anything because I had writers block, but that seems to drift into the past.

-Work is driving me up the wall. I'm literally counting the days until I get my real estate license and move up out of retail. I can't stand the atmosphere and I think it's making an even more bitter and rude person then I already was, if that's at all possible.

-I have been extremely sick lately and that's totally sucked. =( I had to go to the doctors because the pain was literally unbearable and come to find out I have a whole heap load of infections and now I'm heavily medicated and trying to get rid of all the issues I seem to have.

+Jayz has made me the happiest person in the world. I don't know!! I just have such a huge graitified smile on my face. I can't think of one negative aspect of my personal life right now... we're getting along wonderfully. Haven't had the slightest argument in quite awhile and we've just been talking and getting along... it's heaven.

+I'm looking forward to christmas!! I can't wait to get our tree and decorate the apartment, it should be fun. =) I want to make the apartment filled with "love and holiday spirit" hopefully that works out as planned...

+Work ALL week at 7am, which I hate but I realize that once I'm actually AT work the day zooms by because getting there earlier makes the day seem so much shorter so hey... I'll get up early if I can enjoy the rest of my day... but yeah, I can't wait until my days off. I'm definately back at the point where I can't even stand going into work. I used to be such a job jumper... I feel like I'm going to swing back into that pattern soon because I don't like my position anymore. Two more weeks.... two more weeks and I'll be upgraded to Magnolia where I don't have to dress in the Best Buy Blues but yet my own clothes from home and deal with television and delivery issues... yay. =)

+That's it... just wanted to make a note about how I'm extremely satisfied with life... =)


current mood: cheerful
Tell Me Your Secrets
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
6:05 pm - Twenty one...
As of yesterday, I'm officially an adult - 21. I wasn't sure if I'd make it. Being that I'm not the typical youth, I spent the entire day (literally) 13 or so hours, working which totally whooped my butt since I worked 12 the day before - The day itself was rather blah, people made me laugh and smile and my mom and my baby make me happy which is usually all I can depend on.

I spent this afternoon with my mother, she took me drinking, I love that he and I were able to go out and get a little tipsy this afternoon-it was a bunch of fun. We went shopping at the mall and just talked.. about a lot of different things, I don't know what I would ever do without her...

I'm feeling so much better, to be honest I had a breakdown this weekend and lost it and just cried every emotion out of me - happy sad confused angry and whatever else my 5'7" body could keep pent up inside.


... But yes, I feel a lot better now... I realize I just need to stay chill.. stay relaxed, let nature take its course stop trying to make things go my way, whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Change is not necessary in life, it is life. So says my fortune cookie today. I plan on just being my whatever is whatever self and keep smiling and striving for the best.

Ooo, bonus - I got a digital camera yesterday and a comforter set for the bedroom - it's really nice and everything looks really cute decorated and clean =)

I finally sense some organization in my life, score.

I love my older brother, and I miss him - this becomes more obvious to me as each day goes by.

Jayz is my everything, and I need to start acting more like a girlfriend and less like a best friend. I know they are the same time, I guess I just have to be more affectionate. . .he goes above and beyond in a lot of aspects for me, like surprising me with baloons and flowers at work yesterday.. making me blush like crazy ... oiy =/ haahaha... I <3 him.

But yeah, that's it - just finally wanted to post a HAPPY entry =)

As ever,

current mood: ecstatic
2 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
5:27 pm - So... tired.
It's so werid what drives me to write. Today is Thanksgiving. I hope everyone is thankful for what they have. I know I am - this is the first year that I'm not in the house I spent my entire life in. It's a weird feeling but this year ... in reflection... has given me a lot to be thankful for. I remember the past few years and .. As "thankful" as I was - I had a lot of issues and I feel this is the first year where I've had to be on my own for a lot of things. I have so much on my mind right now... I don't even know what I plan on typing in here other than the fact I just feel like typing .. as I listen to my music and drift away...

So much for my happy ending... Letz talk this over.. it's not like we're dead... was it something I did.. was it something you said... Dont leave me hanging in a city so dead.. held up so high on such a breakable thread... you were all the things I thought I knew... And I thought we could be... You were everything everything that I wanted.. we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it.. all the memories so close to me just fade away.. all this time you were pretending.. so much for my Happy Ending.. So much for my happy ending... You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say.. they tell you im difficult but so are they.. but they dont know me.. do they even know you? all the things you hide from me, all the shit you do.. you were all the things I thought I knew... and I thought we could be.... You were everything everything that I wanted.. we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it.. all the memories so close to me just fade away.. all this time you were pretending.. so much for my Happy Ending..It's nice to know that you were there, thanks for acting you cared and for making me feel like I was the only one... It's nice to know we had it all.. Thanks for watching as I fall.. and letting me know we were done.. He was everything everything that I wanted.. we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it.. all the memories so close to me just fade away... all this time you were pretending... so much for my happy ending...

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated.. Life's like this you fall and you crawl and you break and you take what you get and you turning into .. honestly you promised me I'm never gonna find you fake it...

Are you aware of what you make me feel baby right now I feel invisible to you like Im not real.. didnt you feel me lock my arms around you.. why did you turn away.. heres what I have to say.. I was left there to cry there waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare that's when I decided... why should I care cos you weren't there when I was scared.. I was so alone.. you should listen I'm starting to trip.. I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone... Am I just some chick you place beside you to take somebody elses place... when you turn around can you recognize my face you used to love me.. you used to hug me... but that wasnt the case everything wasnt okay I was left there to cry there waiting outside there grinning with a lost stare thats when I decided.. why should I care... im cryiing outloud.. im crying outloud.. open your eyes open up wide.. why should i care.. cos you werent there when i was scared .. i was so alone.. why should i care.. if you dont care then i dont care we're not going anywhere..Why should I care cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone...Why should I care If you don't care then i don't care were not going nowhere... I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone..

... I love music. It helps so much. haha... I love that if people read this journal they probably think I'm the most depressed person ever. I'm not depressed... I'm happy. I have a semi well paying job, I'm giong to be graduating college semi soon.. I'm in love and engaged to a very special person... I have been in contact with people from my past that, as strange as it may sound - were a positive influence on my life because they made me better by making me stronger and being mature about things and moving on from the headaches and realizing that everything happens for a reason...

Fate is funny...

Last night I cried, tossed and turned woke up with dry eyes my mind was racin feet were pacin.. lord help me please tell me what i have gotten into.. ran my three miles to clear my mind it always helps me out its my therapy when im losin it which is usually the case. im on an emotional roller coaster lovin u aint nothin healthy.. lovin you was neva good for em.. but i cant get off this emotional roller coaster.. yesterday i told myself i was gonna be okay.. gonna start a new day truly happy i was gonna take control of me but eventually realty hit me menatlly physically emotionally and i opened up my eyes and realized that i was still bein taken for a ride on your emotional roller coaster......

.... mmm and yeah. Music is my escape.

But yeah, I'm happy.. just in deep thought.

Deep DEEP thought.

Mental instability.

Emmotional insecurity.

Physically unable.

.. to carry this weight upon my shoulders.


current mood: restless
2 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Friday, November 18th, 2005
12:58 am - Tearz on my pillow
... Forced to write when everything seems out of place.

Things are just random. I heard from Omari the other day. I know - strange - apparently he gets free long distance in Jamaica and likes to call when he's a bajillion miles away to say hello. It wasn't a long phone call at all... He just called to let me know he was okay ... after having been deported and all... told me his plans for coming back to the US and stealing me from Jay. I politely laughed my ass off and said I had to go. He doesn't give up. Tries to tell me that no matter what (you know, the whole him having another child, different country.. me being engaged) that we'll be together in the end. The boy is out his mind and I told him to stop drinking sea water =x That's just how our conversations roll though, we kid around ... it's always nice to hear from an old friend. No matter the history, I still consider him one of my hommiez...

I've been feeling kind of blah lately. I want to seclude myself to a dark room and just sleep. I usually get this way when I have a lot on my mind. I'm not good at opening up to other people so I figure when I get stressed I can just run away from society and the problem goes away when the people do. I realize now - the problem and the people never go away... just me =/ I don't feel like my life is on track at all. I feel like I'm so far behind in so many aspects and I really dislike that feeling. I feel insecure and like a little kid for so many reasons, and yet I feel like I'm acting too old and mature for my age and I just want to let go and chill out and relax ...

I wonder sometimes why I feel the need to please people that when if it came right down to it, they would overlook me. I'm so tired of the fake attitudes and the false personalities that I am surrounded by. I wish I knew what a "friend" was... it really seems like people are too wrapped up in themselves to really care about others, and I'm not saying that I'm the best friend in the world because honestly, I think I suck as a friend, it'll take you about 5 years to gain my trust and by that time we most likely lose touch and go our own ways - it's to be expected. That's not to say I don't feel as though I have friends, I do - I know I do. Am I in touch with them as much as I like? No ... by far.

I just hate how time changes things. Sometimes that's a positive but right now I'm really missing the past. I miss my brother. My older brother - he's away in Cali and I feel as though I let a lot of time pass us by and we could have been a lot closer then we are now and that sucks because now that I'm older I realize how kickass he is - I've always idolized him. I remember being a little kid, sitting on the floor in his bedroom listening to music with him and just being little kids. I remember crying and confiding in him when I've hit some of the hardest times in my life, he's always been there... and I don't know, it's just hurting a lot right now for some reason. I guess because it feels like my family has lost touch. My mother lives at home... for what reason I have no idea, she's not happy. I've been worried about her beyond belief and I think she's finally doing a bit better, it's just scarey to see your life go through something scarey and something you know very little about. My younger siblings, my how they're aging... James is 16 now!!! And tori is 11 today.. it's crazy. Adam is almost 14... Time flies by way too fast.

I wish I understood more about myself and my own life, maybe then I wouldn't be so clueless .

... annnnnnnnd yes. that's all for now.

I'm really not "sad" I'm confused'd'd'd... I'll be aight tho - I'm a soulja

current mood: confused
2 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Saturday, November 12th, 2005
10:30 am - Mental Health Daze
Wow, it's really amazing how time away from stress can really relax someone. Jayz and I hopped in the car at nearly midnight November 9th and took a roadtrip down to NC. It was a lot of fun - no traffic so we flew here... took just about two hours to hit NYC... and we were down here in about 10. It would have been quicker but we took an unwanted visit through Jersey at 3AM and an unscheduled visit thru VA the next morning. Over all it was a lot of fun though :) Since then we've been at Jayz momz house celebrating his 22nd birthday... which has been a good time. I feel way more comfortable then I did last time. I felt really out of place during my last visit but this time, I feel at home. I really like his mom, she's so nice and she just wants me to be happy which is so sweet. Last night was so funny. I was feeling really sick, I had a headache I just couldn't shake and so everyone (Jay,Ian and their mom) came into Jayz room and sat with me. ... We definately watched "Monster in-law" hahahahahah go figure when I'm at the future mother in laws house. =x It was hilarious and jayz mom kept making comments like Am I like that!? Jen can I do that!? lol She had me laughing....

I miss my family though. I feel so bad for my mom she doesn't feel well and she's dealing with so much stress it makes me nervous. My brother James is on crutches 'cos he's a loser... Adam is failing out of school my dad wants to 'cut his loses' and leave... and tori is perfect cos thatz my girl and she does no wrong.

We're leaving here tonight to head back home... then I get to sleep all tomorrow in my brand new bed!!!! :) ... And then I have work Monday, but hey.. I'm okay with that. =)

... x0x ...

current mood: grateful
Tell Me Your Secrets
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
11:31 pm - i wrote a song today
Back When
*By Me*


Back when I used to smile
Back when I used to care
Back when I knew what love was
Back when you were there


Never did I think that time would fly by
Never did I think I’d say goodbye
And not have you in my world
Never did I think there’d be another girl
For you – and a new man for me
Never did I think or even bother to see
A life without you with me…
So I dream of…


Back when I used to smile
Back when I used to care
Back when I knew what love was
Back when you were there


Faded memories, trapped in the hands of time
Never did I think your new ones wouldn’t be mine
Somehow what once was ours has disappeared
And I’ve realized my biggest fear
Is to never share my life with you again
And I’m caught up remembering…


Back when I used to smile
Back when I used to care
Back when I knew what love was
Back when you were there


I’m left with old letters and things from our past
As if that can account for all the things that I lack
Since you’ve been gone, nothing’s felt right
As I lay and dream of you all night
And think of the days we used to spend
And wish to relive those moments again
Nothings been the same
Since your name’s
Been missing
And I’m left reminiscing…


Back when I used to smile
Back when I used to care
Back when I knew what love was
Back when you were there

current mood: creative
Tell Me Your Secrets
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
2:07 pm - Wow
I feel so entangled in a web of confusion that it's hard for me to breathe or catch a break at all. It's funny because I'm actually quite happy right now, I don't know I just have a lot on my mind and I don't really know what to do or where to go or who to turn to. I feel alone but at the same time I don't I just hate games and I hate hidden truth - not lies.. just.. when everything isn't brought tot he table. I would rather someone tell me they were unsure of a situation then tell me they are completely satisfied and just boldly look me in the eyes and tell me everything is okay when in reality, it isn't... It's hard to explain but I don't know - there's no real reason for this entry other then just trying to clear my mind out. I have so many thoughts everyday of how I wish things could be, and how I hope for things to turn out - and then I read this quote and I was taken a step back... "Its funny, how when you're little you see the life you wand it and never crosses your mind that chances are it wont turn out that way" - (love and basketball) this was so amazing to me because it totally just hit me like a ton of bricks because all I have been doing is preparing a future and hoping for how I want things to turn out when there is no garuntee that anything will turn out that way... It's frustratiing in a way because it's like - why try at all, ya know? I dont know what to do ... Theres a mess of mixed emotions inside of me and I really don't know how to rectify this issue... I cant say enough times that despite this post - Im actually quite happy with my life... I wouldnt say that Im bored with my life but I dont think that anything is interesting any more - i feel useless .. i need to go out and be spontaneous... i feel like im just a waste of skin and im letting what should be the best days of my life pass away before me and im just standing by allowing it all to happen. I want to take life by force and experience things I never thought possible and laugh and joke around and be happy and go out and be stupid and get hurt and cry and bruise up myself and learn from my mistakes... Ive been playing it safe for so long and to be completely honest - Im sick of it.. I cant think of the last time where I took a risk .... I cant think of the last time where I had a memory worth holding on to... nothing in my mind stands out ... I mean thats not all true - theres moments in time that are locked in my heart because of how important they are to me but i mean there's nothing worth looking back to and saying ... yeah, I did that - wasnt I dumbass? psh but it was fun... i lived through it and hell yeah Id do it again...

Blah, I just dont really know what Im getting at - I guess Im really not as happy as I try to tell myself that I am... I dont think thats such an issue but I think I need to put more effort into my life and stop being so lazy and get out and do more things, experience more of my surroundings and enjoy what i have going on around me... i want to be proud of my life what i have accomplished and who i have grown to be and honestly im not any of that right now.. i feel lazy, and lazy... and lazy.... and useless... i dont feel that i have anything worth contributing to society, to my family or friends and that im just.. there... but if i wasnt, it wouldnt matter because all im doing is taking up space. Im not happy with myself, it seems that I have a lot of issues that i need to fix - and overall theres no one else i can depend on but myself.. i realize that as "independent" as I try to sound, I do depend on everyone around me quite a bit which sucks and I should just stop doing that completely... I wish I could close my eyes and have everything turn out to be the way I want it... Im just so confused right now... and on top of it all i dont feel like i have anyone to tell this to... i dont know i think thats an extremely bad thing - i want to run away because i feel like i have nothing worth holding on to.. mainly because i feel if i let go... nothing would try to hold back on to me....

Young girl... dont cry... I'll be right here when your world starts to fall... young girl its alrite - your tears will dry youll soon be free to fly.. when your safe inside your room you tend to dream.. of a place nothings harder then it seems.. no one ever wants or bothers to explain all the heartache life can bring and what it means.. when theres no one else.. look inside yourself... like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within, then youll find the strength that will guide your way, youll learn to begin to trust the voice within..

current mood: confused
6 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Thursday, July 21st, 2005
9:03 pm - ... es bueno
...Life is good. Not much else to say besides that. I've been dealing with a lot of different junk lately but overall everything is very nice. I'm happy. Work is stressful, but I'm not going to let it bother me outside of work - Mario makez me happy , so best buy is fine.. Money and what have you is an up and down situation, but that's just life in itself... Jayz has made me level headed and calm, collected and loved.... *deep breath* I'm gooooooooooooooooood

current mood: amused
1 Confession| Tell Me Your Secrets
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
11:31 am
i dont know if ive ever felt more frustrated and alone in my entire life.
10 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Friday, July 8th, 2005
3:36 pm - . . . hmmm
Well here I am typing on our brand new Sony Computer, as stressful and sucky as Best Buy is they really do love me when they take off like a G of my PC sale... so yay for that... I've been researching schools online and I found that AI of New England actually does online programs like U of Phoenix.. I'm strongly considering them instead because the focus there would be Advertising and digital media / technology ... and then I can wiggle (yah, WIGGLE) my way into the on site Sound technology program and get my producin' skillz in order... we'll see though, I have to call them back.

... I was offered a job as Assistant Manager for BlockBuster on Mass Ave... I'm considering it, I got to call them back and discuss some stuff, but we'll see... if the pay is worth it, I'll be Orange Line'n it soon ...

I was so icky stressed yesterday just a total and complete wow "that sucks" mood and ... I think it was because I was tired I was just like blah... so Yeah props to sleepin 2am to 3pm... Bless it. However Jayz did come home on his lunch break and woke me.. I totally coulda been in a coma till 6.. but I won't hate, I guess if I have to get woken up any way, that's the best way to have it done... a kiss from him.. <3 AWWW

... Anyway... that's it.

Tell Me Your Secrets
Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
12:51 pm - aw yay :)
Yay... Okay.... I've been stressing a lot lately mainly because I haven't had time to myself in order to fix my life and get everything organized... I feel like 8378736736387263 lbs of worry just got lifted off my shoulder because I finally took care of all the issues surrounding my car payments, since I moved things have been crazy so people weren't able 2 get ahold of me, I didn't have info stuff just wasn't right, yeah well now everyone (bill collectorz) love me lol 'cos I just paid them all off.

I was really happy last night because Jayz really got my head straightened on my shoulders and made me look at life very clearly for the first time in quite awhile. We worked out our bills, set up a course of action basically and now we just need to follow through and things should be good.

As I've mentioned I'm incredibly sick of Best Buy so I went and applied for a management posistion at Block Buster, they adore me and are currently in step two of the application process so we'll see how that goes. I do love the atmosphere of best buy, hectic crazy cool people but I can't deal with the feeling of a brick wall two feet in front of me.

But yeah, that's about it. I just felt really happy right now because I got my issues taken care of so I thought I'd throw that in. =) yay. lol

Tell Me Your Secrets
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
2:03 pm - Here I am
Alright well here I am, It's the last day in June so I thought that I would throw down a few thoughts, mainly because this is the first time I've actually had to do so. I'm home today, sick as anything I went into work this morning and couldn't even focus, I managed to do all my paperwork, the computer work and the cash in the safe was taken care of but in regards to standing and supervisor and watching customers for anther 7 to 8 hours I just couldn't do it. The manager noticed and sent me home - which was fine with me - I couldn't last the entire day. So yeah, relaxing and feeling absolutely shitty, kinda ummm.. sucks. =/ I've felt like shit for a majority of the few days I've had off.I think working so much is killing me, I made about a grand this week but I really didn't feel like I acomplished anything, I was more so like "that's it!?" Damn FICA!! lol $305 out of me in Taxes, bastards. =/

Anything as for life itself it's cool. We got a birdie, it's name is Pokey - he's a Senagal parot - we got him for free through Petco 'cos me and Jayz are cool like that... got some more furniture -the apartmentz looking lovely. =)

Hmm... been going out a bit lately, saw Batman Begins - that was 'meh' it was okay I guess... also saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" which was absolutely hilarious, totally loved it. =) And last night me Jayz and Josh drove up to Randolph and saw The War of the Worlds... ummm.... I'd say out of a 2 hour and 10 minute movie, 2 hours kicked ass... yeah, you guessed it - the ending SUCKED. *sigh* It felt like they got tired of filming and just wanted it to be over with... so throughout the entire movie its like "oh wow, damn, shit..." at the end it's like "...................huh..." lol oh well it was a fun time out. =)

Tuesday I took my mommy to the James Taylor concert - um yah.... third one I've been to and it's still good everytime... the music is so soothing, we both had a good time, she definately is a character, not only did she try and get me drunk, bust through security to get backstage but also go and hide behind 18 wheelers in the back parking lot right behind backstage lol.....womanz a trip.

......... Ummmmmmmmmmmmm as for the rest of the week, yeah.. I'm working *sigh* fri/sat/sun/mon/tues 8:430 or 9-5:30 but then... by the Grace of God... Rox gave me Wed-Sat OFF.. Since I'm working on the 4th I'm getting paid for an additional 8 hours so yeah, I'm still hitting almost 40 :) I have a 3 hour meeting on Saturday but so what... omgosh... *AMPED* it's exactly what I've been dreaming off ... *gigglez with joy* heheh...

Mhm, Oh yeah and I got Jayz his bday gift... yeah a vacation getaway... 3 dayz in Ft.Laturdale FL (sp?).. a cruise and 3 days in Nassau Bahamas and then like 3 days in Orlando FL..tickets to Universal studios and all the hotels are paid for... we discussed it,.. we were going in November but decided on this coming Spring, which should be really cool...it's only 1200 bucks and that includes all the food, hotels, tickets to the theme parks the cruise and accomaditions in the Bahamas.... yeahhhhh buddy I've been researching all of this for awhile so I think I did good - props to mama dukez for the help. =)

Anyway, I'm bout to go chill.



current mood: exhausted
4 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
2:11 pm - like whoa
so i'm doing well. i'm happy. work is killing me. I've been feelin kinda sick lately but overall I'm alright. Things with Jayz are really good, he's been really sweet lately. Last night was fun we went shopping for our apartment and stayed up all late decorating the rooms and making everything look really nice. =) It's starting to feel more and more like a home which is a really cool feeling to have. =) I used to always think I'd feel more homesick or something if I moved out but yeah... living wit Jayz has made it very easy to switch directly into that independent gear and survive on our own. =)

I think I've changed a little lately. I mean, I stopped putting up with pointless people and their shit. I've been direct with people which used to be a hard thing for me to conquer but it's all good. I think a lot of people are finally starting to understand me and how I operate a bit better.

I've started writing a journal by hand, I mean I used to always do that and I randomly stop which is stupid because flipping through old memories is always cool to do. This journal is a little different it's not so much the day to day stuff that I deal with but it's just reflection on who I am and where I'm at now and my thoughts and views on a lot of things. It's good but it's also hard I've been doing a lot of thinking and for anyone who knows me, would know that when I get in deep thought I zone out and get into a lil funk, not so much an attitude but my own little world which I guess people take personally. =/ I'm working on correcting that but oh well.

I'm so glad that this weekend is finally over, I worked about 30 hours in two days which tooootallly kicked my ass. It was the craziest weekend the store has seen in MONTHS and yea of course I'm the only leadership for the entire front end both days and I closed both nights, but really... thats just how my luck would have it. I was planning on going in today to help Mario but then I thought how I don't have another day off for like 8 days so then I was like *sleeps in then slips into some jeanz* .. yeah screw best buy.. lol I adore Mario he's a cool guy but he'll be okay on his own today... Ohh yeah and on July 1st I'm hittin up his lil puerto rican tatoo party which should be interesting.. I don't really see myself getting a tatoo at his crib, but I might just do it... who knowz...

Anyway, that's all for now


current mood: happy
2 Confessions| Tell Me Your Secrets
Sunday, June 12th, 2005
1:08 pm - okay, here i go
I started to write an entry while visiting my parents house yesterday, bud I wasn't in the mood and the page closed out on me, so I decided I would wait. I'm glad I did. I have been having a difficult time lately. I mean, in all honesty, I've been a bitch. I feel like everything is so shakey, I guess that's insecurity... I should probably feel more secure then a lot of the people around me, but yah - no dice mang. Atfirst I blamed it on over working, lack of sleep, oppressive heat and never eating........Then I realized it wasn't good to have scapegoats so I looked in at myself pulled a Dr.Phyll and did some soul searching. Well...I've come to realize I'm in the mix of one of the best situations of my life and I should be living it up like it is. Living with Jayz has been a blessing in my life, I won't deny some parts have been harder then others but we're learning more and more about eachother and becoming stronger people for it, atleast in my eyes. When I relax and open my eyes I realize how important he is to me and how hard he tries to please me ever minute of the day. He makes me feel so special.. and as we chilled and ate our Chinese food the other day and our fortune read Theres only one true happiness in life, to love and be loved. If him and I just stick together we can honestly just make it through anything. =) **positive vibes** woohooooooo

As for work the GM tells me I'm there more then he is which is so totally true.. I'm working all the time somewhere between 40-60 hours... it's hurtin me but I'm impressing the management staff because I've moved my way up in the foodchain and I'm on the buddy system with them now which works for me... =) I suppose I don't mind workin overtime 'cos I'm really feeling this 3k/mo thing just from my income and shoot Jayz makes more so you know we're financially comfortable...

I need to make some changes in my life - I have a really big surprise for Jayz, hopefully he'll like it... heh =)

but yah, that's it for now...


current mood: hopeful
1 Confession| Tell Me Your Secrets
Monday, May 30th, 2005
8:35 pm - too many smilez
yeah, so i figured I would actually write in this thing when I'm upset because maybe I'll be able to get a little more out of my chest then I'm normally able, but yeah I doubt it. I don't know I'm just... not happy right now. Hopefully this feeling goes away but I don't know, it's not looking too good right now.

It might be a combination of being overworked, no time off, emotions zigzaggin' up and down, and stress with money... I feel empty and to quote Titanic "I feel like I'm in this great big room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looks up." okay, maybe not the "exact" quote but close enough. I just am very blah... I might erase this entry entirely... but who knowz... probably won't have a chance I hardly ever get on the PC, the timez I do, I have something better to do.

My head hurts.

current mood: stressed
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